


The Journal

by theJuniorRoyals



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Blackmail, M/M, Some Minor OCs - Freeform, donghyuck throws up everytime he is nervous, emetophobia tw, exposing secrets, just the dreamies at school, secret crushes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24013864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theJuniorRoyals/pseuds/theJuniorRoyals
Summary: Yes, Donghyuck has secrets, but, doesn’t everybody? The only difference is, he happens to handle his with more care than people with nowhere to store theirs except their brain. And how many times does that fail them, and their secrets are revealed? Too often.Donghyuck keeps his journal. He doesn’t bottle up, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t vent in person or over text or a phone call, he doesn’t tell anyone anything. And he is proud of that.In which Donghyuck loses his only outlet of emotional venting, and he is forced to face the harsh reality of having his secrets exposed.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 97





	The Journal

**Author's Note:**

> I am back! if you have read my works before, thank you for sticking around and giving me support, it really warms my heart <3 also... I'm trying my best to work on the demigod au. was in a writing block for a realllyyyy long time with that one, I'm doing my best to work around it.  
> if you are new, hi, I hope you enjoy this wonderful, and unexpectedly long piece :)  
> !! A couple things before we start !!  
> one, if you aren't familiar with the american grade system, don't worry, it's not important, but technically lucas and mark would not be in the same grade as 00 line, but for this fic, they are. disregard the one year age difference.  
> two, this is just a story and i don't see lucas a a mean person, it is just how i wanted to flip his character around from how he usually is. don't get mad at me for that!  
> three, if there are any minor spelling/grammar errors, i deeply apologize, i hate beta'ing my work, so please look over them lmao  
> and four, i have an important question at the end notes so please answer that, but without further ado, please enjoy :)

_Rule 1: Let secrets stay secrets. You are perfectly capable of keeping it to yourself._

Donghyuck was waiting for his nails to dry as the photos were developing. He looked them over, and couldn’t help the sly grin from sneaking onto his face. It’s not like he hasn’t done this before, of course he has, but every time it put a feeling in him of, ‘wow, I look good’.

The small, yet hefty, notebook sat beside him on the bed, the day’s spread all ready to go with intricate looping letters done in pastel brush pens and washi tape of the same hue to compliment the pages, and spaces in the middle where the photos would sit. He looked over to the sheets of shiny paper, watching as the colors and figures faded in. In the most developed one, he could see part of his hand, chipped pink polish from his biting habit, holding a dainty piece of long fabric. It was pink and ruffled, a single silver, heart-shaped locket hanging down from the center, and black lace in the middle, pink peeking through the holes in the topmost layer. It was a collar. Donghyuck loved this thing. He can’t count on both fingers and toes how many times he has worn it, he would run out quickly. He had too many photos of this piece of jewelry in his journal, but one more never hurts.

He figured it was developed enough and he picked it up and turned to the book. Securing the photo down with a light layer of glue on the back, and then for extra measure, and style, took two pieces of red washi tape, the days color theme, and taped two corners down. One page completed. He brushed his fingers over the page, proud of his creation.

He looked at the second photo, now also at an adequate developing point, he was more excited to place this one. He picked it up and cut the top off, making sure none of his face was visible. Gluing and taping it into a similar spread, he admired the photo, which was admittedly a bit more risqué than the other one. It was an upper body shot, now cut off at the chin, no hair in the photo. He was wearing the collar, and had his hand that wasn’t holding the camera right under his clavicle, acting as a trophy holder to the precious prize.

He picked up a pen and began to write in the empty space he left for an entry.

_I just adore this collar. If I could wear it every day, I would. I wish I could. It’s so dainty and perfect, and soft. So easy to undo, would snap right off if tugged on hard enough, but that’s not me complaining._ He paused, thinking of his next sentence, pen tapping his chin. _If anyone really wanted to use force, their hands would make better use than tugging my precious collar._

He moved to the next page, under the body and neck photo.

I _t would feel so nice for another set of hands to be admiring this on my body. For another person to run their fingers up and over my collarbones, feeling how soft it all is. Be gentle, or even the opposite, I can handle the pain, but we know this already. The bigger hands, soft and warm, I’m sure they can bring both anguish and aftercare, and I’m eager for both, wouldn’t you think, by now, that I’m aching? Won’t you relieve me,_

He paused, always hesitant of this part. He knows this journal is for his eyes only, but it always trips him up to write names. Correction, name. Only one name. He sighed, knowing it will never leave his sight, and after all, there’s no harm done in just a couple of words. He continues writing.

_Won’t you relieve me, Mark Lee?_

Yes, Donghyuck has secrets, but, doesn’t everybody? The only difference is, he happens to handle his with more care than people with nowhere to store theirs except their brain. And how many times does that fail them, and their secrets are revealed? Too often.

Donghyuck keeps his journal. He doesn’t bottle up, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t vent in person or over text or a phone call, he doesn’t tell anyone anything. And he is proud of that. He tells his journal, and the journal keeps his secrets safe. He has never been backstabbed before, but the mere thought of that happening to him makes him queasy. He never lets the journal out of his sight, even at school. It would, theoretically, be safer in the comfort of his room, in his hiding spot for when he isn’t documenting his day and relishing in thoughts, but he brings it with him, to be extra sure that he knows its whereabouts. Risky, yes, but he keeps precautions. Only he is allowed in his bag, he has to look at it every time he opens it for something (to make sure it is untouched by any other hands), and on his drive home, he triple checks the bag, making sure it’s there before heading home.

He never even alludes to his identity in that book, although if anyone knew his handwriting and the shade of his skin in intimate places—namely, the clavicle, the inner thighs, and his lower back—it would all point back to him. No pictures of his face, his room, or anything of his that could be easily recognizable. He uses the collar, as none of his friends have seen it before, obviously, why would he reveal anything like that to them, and if, God forbid, his secrets got uncovered, why would it be him? He is a normal guy with normal interests and normal friends. It’s not him.

And if word got out about his crush on Mark Lee, signature straight guy, his life would essentially be over, not even in a dramatic way. He wasn’t a sports player, but he seemed to be the hype man for every team. Every guy knew who he was. He was worried about the fact that, one, not only would everyone know he liked Mark, but that it would make the chances of Mark seeing him as even a friend would reduce to 0%. Donghyuck would never be able to live with himself.

He thinks about it way too much, probably. But the more he makes sure he never gets found out, the better he can sleep at night. After all, secrets are meant to stay secrets.

It was chilly the next morning. It was a Tuesday. The winder was finally retreating and spring was making itself comfortable, but the morning air could still chill the bone if a thick enough layer wasn’t warm. Donghyuck wore the same three step outfit. T-shirt, jeans (or sweatpants if he was feeling lazy, or it was a little cooler than usual), and a sweatshirt on top. Today he wore a nice, light yellow color with some black graphics on it, deciding to veer away from the usual gray and black he wears. He wasn’t a fashion forward person, like his friends. He was grateful they even still let him in their friend group with the offset he throws in with his style. (Jokes, of course. They all have those days, but Donghyuck has never been the kind of person who needs to match the tone of the suede Chelsea boot to the belt buckle, which can be seen over the tucked in t-shirt, under the casual blazer type of guy. His friends mostly are, with only Jeno relating to Donghyuck most days. He appreciates the company, though.)

Right before he left, he picked up the sleek black notebook and tucked it inside the hidden pocket of his backpack. If you had asked Donghyuck if he bought the bag because he realized it had that feature and he said no, he would be lying. He just found it to be perfectly convenient. And it paid off, it never moved. He felt safe with this bag, and he feels like this bag is one of the most important, top three things he would need on an island type bag, but that is most likely him just putting all of his faith in the pocket that will not move his notebook. It’s worked for a year, so why would it stop now.

He placed the bag into his passenger seat and checked it once before buckling up and heading to school. The ride was serene, albeit he only lived a few miles away, but it was some sane peace and quiet he had before he entered the realms of high school. He was a senior now, and he was convinced he could almost taste the cap and gown. His friends were helping him to the finish line, and he wasn’t doing too bad in any of his classes, but he was still stressed as any senior would be. As of now, though, he was still a non-committed student, trying to pull at least a C+ in his biology II course, and spends all academic day spacing out. A typical high school student, to say at the least.

Next to his typical parking spot was his friends black Mazda, Jaemin turned as soon as Donghyuck pulled up, flashed him a big smile and waved. Donghyuck waved back before turning to gather his items for the day. (He, of course, stopped to get an iced coffee on the way. How else would he survive waking up at 6 AM every weekday morning?)

Bag slung over one shoulder, he tucked his keys into his pants pocket and shut the door, reaching into the pocket again to lock it. He sipped his coffee as he walked over to Jaemin’s driver side door, which was open and Jaemin was rummaging through his bag.

“Channie! Good morning, old sport.” Jaemin chirped. ‘Channie’ was a further shortened version of a nickname Donghyuck has had since elementary school, Haechan. It’s been so long now, though, when it comes to remembering how he got the name in the first place, his memory is a little fuzzy. But he just rolls with it. That’s just the type of guy Donghyuck is.

“Morning.” Jaemin was still sifting through his bag, which Donghyuck could see was full of nothing but loose, crumpled papers, most likely assignments, knowing Jaemin, granola bar wrappers, also typical, and pens and pencils gathering at the bottom. “Jesus, what the hell are you looking for, your dignity? Did you forget you lost that a while ago, shithead?”

Jaemin extended his foot in an attempt to kick Donghyuck’s shin, but the boy simply moved his foot out of the way. “I lost my phone. I swear I threw it in here.”

Without speaking, Donghyuck pulled his out of his pocket and dialed Jaemin’s number. A ringing was heard from inside the car. Jaemin whipped around and bent over backwards, where he reached underneath the passenger’s seat, while leaning over the console, and pulled his phone out from underneath. Donghyuck hung up, and Jaemin zipped his bag while mumbling about how he swore it was in the bag.

He heard crunching on the rocky pavement from behind them, and a loud greeting of, “What a wonderful morning, huh?!” Donghyuck winced at the volume and turned around to see Jeno approaching. He stopped short and held his mouth open in disbelief when he saw Donghyuck was drinking a coffee. He noticed Jeno was holding two.

He sighed. “Fuck, dude, I totally forgot you said you would bring me one, I’m sorry bro.”

Jeno shrugged. “No big, you want this? It’s that sweet shit he likes.” He handed it to Jaemin, who took a sip and cringed.

“It’s not awful.” He held onto it.

“Looked like it pained you to swallow that.” Jeno replied.

“Not the first time he’s heard that.” Donghyuck piped in. Jeno threw his head back and laughed, while Jaemin just chuckled and shook his head. He took the coffee, his bag, and his keys and locked up the car once he stood. Donghyuck did a double check to make sure Jaemin still had his phone, which he did. He was just a good friend like that.

“if you don’t want it I’m sure Renjun will drink it.” Jeno told Jaemin.

“Nah, it’s fine. The first sip is the worst, it will give me energy for this test.”

“Fuck,” Donghyuck whispered. “I forgot about this.”

“Did you just think it was a normal day? How could you forget? They’ve only been fucking us with SAT prep for the last three years.” Jeno sighed. “But, it’s just take the test and leave, luckily, so it will be an early day.”

“Yeah, early day if you want a 500 or less.” Jaemin pointed out. “How could you forget, Channie? They’ve been shoving the SAT prep books down our throats so hard it would shoot loads of info-cum into our stomachs.”

Donghyuck made a noise of disgust. Jeno scoffed. “That sentence alone was enough to make me fully hetero.”

They strolled into the foyer and into the cafeteria, awaiting the signal bell of the start of a new day. They found their last remaining friend, Renjun, sitting at their designated table. Jaemin went to sit next to Renjun as Donghyuck and Jeno took a seat across from them.

“Hey ladies,” Renjun addressed them. He looked in Donghyuck’s direction. “Ooh, pink nails, yas.” He feigned a high-pitched voice and threw up a stereotypical homo-limp wrist. Donghyuck did it back with a joking smirk. “Did I miss the coffee party? What is this?” He looked at everyone.

“Sorry, I bought one for Donghyuck because I owed him one for the test answers last week and he forgot and bought one so I gave it to him.” He nodded towards Jaemin. Renjun took the cup from Jaemin to try it and made the same wince Jaemin had when he tried it. He looked to Donghyuck.

“You drink this?”

“I don’t like bitter shit, leave me alone grandpa.”

As per a usual morning, they sat and talked about whatever came to their minds that wasn’t discussed in the group chat until the bell rang, and they all headed to their designated testing rooms. They had all been separated due to some shitty algorithm in the super intendant system that thought this certain group of kids will succeed with this test, but one kid in the wrong room, everyone fails. Fuck high school.

The instructions were as follows, get a pencil, calculator, and if you have a water bottle, put it on the floor by your seat, and put all bags and backpacks in the corner. Donghyuck was in the back, luckily, and he kept his coffee hidden from the test proctor’s eves, hoping the big styrofoam Dunkin Donuts cup and long orange straw wouldn’t give it away. He checked the tucked away pocket once again, to see the notebook snug, before putting his bag in the big pile. He didn’t worry about losing it, as far as he knew, it was the only like its kind and he kept it in his sight. He tried to calm himself down from being so far away from it.

He stretched his back in his seat and waited for the remaining kids to scurry around before settling, and he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned.

“Are you ready?” Faye, a girl who was in his biology class asked him. He was surprised she was there, he didn’t see her at all.

He shook his head. “I honestly forgot this was happening until Jaemin reminded me this morning. I am not ready. I’m just aiming for something over 800.”

“That’s easy enough. When in doubt pick C. Or whatever Mr. Barron says not to do.” Donghyuck breathed a laugh in agreement. “Nice sweatshirt. Never see you wearing colors.”

He smiled. “Thanks. I guess I didn’t know I needed a little light today. I think its Golf Wang.”

“It says Off White right there.” He looked down.

“Well, shit, guess it does.” He laughed.

Faye sighed, leaning back. “Typical Donghyuck, always mixing up his hype beast brands.”

“It was a gift from Jaemin, relax.” He joked with her. It was then the proctor decided to start, and Donghyuck braced himself for the next three hours. Four? He honestly didn’t have a clue.

As he jotted down the last answer, he stretched his back, and with a big sigh, and neglecting to review his work, folded the packet up and brought it to the test proctor. He grabbed his backpack from the corner, went back to his desk to grab the (now empty) coffee cup, nod a ’good luck’ to Faye, and left. He had 3 missed texts from Jaemin telling him to come to his car when he finished.

The air felt so nice after being locked in that room for hours, and he noticed now it was warmer than it had been. Classic spring weather.

All of his friends were already at Jaemin’s car when he approached. Jaemin was already in the driver’s seat, situated the exact same as when he first saw him, and Renjun and Jeno were next to him, leaning on the car as well.

“Hey all.” They turned, nodding a greeting to Donghyuck. “Sorry if you were waiting here long I kept zoning out.”

“You’re fine, I was honestly doing the same thing, man.” Jeno replied.

“Okay, question,” Jaemin started. “Does anyone actually put their phones in their bags and turn them off?”

“Hell no, who does?” said Jeno, and Donghyuck nodded in agreement. He had his in his pocket, silent on and vibrate off.

“I did? It’s not that hard to be disconnected sometimes.” Renjun said while walking to the other side of the car. “Whatever, you guys are rule breakers. Are we going or what?”

“Going?” Donghyuck asked.

“We were going to hit up some shit chain for lunch, coming?” Jaemin told him as he turned the car on.

“Yeah, I’m in, can we just leave our cars here?” Donghyuck opened the back-driver’s side door and put his bag on the floor before sliding in.

“Fuck it.” Jaemin said as he shut his door.

Donghyuck was very glad that he didn’t have to spend a full day at school, and he got to leave early, and he knew he was going to stuff his face with some greasy fast food chicken sandwich, and he honestly couldn’t wait.

Laughing loudly and blasting songs in the car, they were around the corner from a Dairy Queen, their signature spot on times like these. He bent down so he could unzip his bag and retrieve his wallet before they got out, and upon opening his bag, he lost his breath.

His assignments were not in there. His folders were not in there. He pulled what was in there, a big binder and some cheap booklet for a course he was not taking, and checked the hidden pocket. The journal was not there.

He took a deep breath in, trying to tell himself not to hyperventilate but couldn’t help it anyway, his hands started shaking, and he could feel his stomach turning over. He tried not to make a scene, after all, why would he want his friends knowing why it was so important that he lost his bag? However, Renjun, who was sitting next to him, happened to notice his moment of panic.

“Are you okay?” He spoke lowly, realizing he was freaking out but trying not to make it obvious. (One of the many reasons Donghyuck was as close to Renjun as he is. Donghyuck hasn’t always been a person of many words, and Renjun was one of the only people to see how he was communicating non-verbally. Worst case scenario, Renjun would be the only one he trusts entirely to know why he felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown.)

“Y-yeah, yeah, no I just,” He paused, trying his hardest to regain his composure. He took one big breath in, feeling dizzy. “I think I grabbed the wrong bag. This isn’t mine.”

To his demise, Jaemin heard what he said. “Hey, no big, dude, we’ll find your bag. Your food is on me, don’t worry about it.”

While he was very grateful he had friends willing to do that for him, food was the last thing he thought he could handle right now. Everything was running through his head at a million miles per minute. Someone has his journal, someone could read everything in there and know everything about him that no one in the world knows about him, except those paper pages and leather cover. He was getting more nauseous by the minute, knowing by the time they pulled up to the DQ, he could never stomach food without throwing up ten minutes later. He needed to suppress it, but he was freaking out. He knew his window of time between now and finding his bag before anyone found and read his journal was slim. Donghyuck was panicking, and now it was setting in, bad.

They pulled up and parked, Donghyuck was trying to keep his breathing at a normal pace, but his heart was racing, he knew he couldn’t eat.

“My wallet might have been in my pocket, I’m just going to look for it quick, I’ll meet you guys in there.”

“You sure? I got you if not.” Jaemin reassured.

“Yeah, it’s cool,” he sighed heavily as they waked away, and bent down as if he was looking for it, or even, if his delusions were catching up to him, looking for his journal that might have slipped out and it was tucked away under his seat. He knew this was untrue, but he wanted to believe it so bad. Maybe if he believed it hard enough, it would appear.

“Are you okay, seriously?” Donghyuck jumped when he heard Renjun behind him. “Are you stressed out about something or what?”

This could have pushed Donghyuck over the edge of a panic attack if he wasn’t so good at holding it back, but he knew he could have cried, threw up, screamed, and maybe even fainted in that moment.

“I’m fine, I just—I think I dropped my wallet.” He lifted the bag onto the seat hoping Renjun wouldn’t see the way his hand was shaking when he did.

“You’re not fine. Do you want to go back and get your bag? We’re just right down the street, I’ll ask Jaemin to take the car since you are worried.”

“I’m not worried, I’m fine. I’m fine.” Donghyuck’s voice was wavering now and it was not helping to convince Renjun that he was actually fine and not in a ‘rock bottom’ physical and mental state.

Renjun sighed. “Stay here, let me talk to Jaemin.” Donghyuck sat back in the seat as Renjun went into the building. He squeezed his eyes shut hard and tried his best to breathe steadily, urging himself so hard not to let any tears come out, or even form. He kept telling himself that now is no time to cry, just focus on the task at hand. Focus, don’t veer off course, just get the journal back and everything will be fine.

Renjun came back a minute later with Jaemin’s keys. “Come on, we’ll go back to the school to get it, I told them we would be like 5 minutes.”

Donghyuck situated himself in the passenger’s seat and didn’t say anything as they were going and luckily Renjun didn’t ask. He zoned out for most of the ride, trying not to pass out, and then nearly jumping out while the car was still moving.

He sped walked most of the way up to the building, Renjun close behind him, and when they were stopped by a teacher, he held himself together the most he could and said that he had just grabbed the wrong bag and he needs to switch it. Luckily, she let them up to the room after checking to see that everyone in there was done testing, and once they turned the corner, Donghyuck started running. He sprinted up the stairs to the next floor and down the hall, he heard Renjun’s footsteps behind him trying to keep up. To his absolute relief, he saw an identical bag sitting outside of his exam room door, and he ran over to it. He threw the bag he had on his shoulder to the ground and picked his up, but it wasn’t time to celebrate yet. He opened the zipper, saw his folders and assignments, and stuck his hand into the hidden pocket.

Nothing.

He felt a huge wave of nausea hit him in that moment, and he picked the bag up and stumbled over to the bathroom, which was luckily only on the other side of the hallway. Once he got in there, under harsher lights, he opened the bag once again, hoping that his paranoia was just deceiving him and he just didn’t look hard enough.

But still nothing.

He choked out something between a sob and a gasp of shock, and when he felt hands on his shoulders he realized Renjun had been talking the whole time.

“What’s wrong? What happened? That’s your bag, isn’t it?” Renjun tried to calm him down, but at this point Donghyuck was shaking from his head to his toes.

He opened his mouth to try and get words out, but as soon as he did that, he felt bile in his throat. He gagged and dashed for a stall, where he emptied the contents of his (already empty) stomach, dry heaving into the toilet.

“Shit! Donghyuck, are you okay?” Renjun rushed over and tried to lift him up from where he had collapsed on the floor at his knees. At this point, with the burn from the stomach acid in his throat and the panic now fully set and ready to stay, he started crying. Ugly tears matched with the spit hanging from his mouth that he desperately wiped away with the sleeve of his (five hundred dollar) sweatshirt. He was sobbing, leaning over the rim of the ceramic toilet seat, feeling more vomit ready to come up but he knew it would rip his throat apart if it did, he tried to keep it down.

“Donghyuck?! Sit up, please, talk to me.” He could hear the worry in Renjun’s voice as he desperately tried to help him sit up and get himself together. He leaned against the stall wall and wiped his tears away with his sleeve, still shaking with sobs and nerves. Renjun squatted down to meet him at eye level, hand on one of Donghyuck’s shoulders to keep him steady. “Talk to me.”

Donghyuck took shaky breaths in before realizing he was cornered. He had to tell Renjun. There would be no other possible way to get around having a complete breakdown over just a simple mixed up bag and lost wallet (which was, thankfully, in his bag). He would have to tell Renjun all about this journal he keeps to empty his mind into, the darkest secrets that have ever crossed his mind. He had no choice.

He took a staggered breath in and looked at Renjun, who had worry written all over his face, but was patiently waiting for him to talk. “I…” How could he start? Which part would be the hardest hitting? Would Renjun even be able to handle the truth? “I have a… journal.” Cue another staggered inhale. “I bring it with me… here, to make sure it’s not lost.” Renjun didn’t speak. “And it’s-it’s gone.” A sob. “It’s fucking gone, someone has it.”

“Okay, um… your journal is missing. It’s okay, is your name on it? They might not know it’s yours.”

“Renjun, it was in my fucking bag.” Donghyuck said with unintentional hostility. “Everything in there has my name on it, just because that didn’t doesn’t mean it’s not mine, of course it’s mine! Why would I be carrying just one thing that isn’t mine?” He felt stray tears running down his cheeks that he didn’t bother to wipe away. “No one can see that shit, it’s like… fuck. Fuck!” He sobbed again. He brought up both knees and rested his elbows on them, and put his head in his hands. “Knowing someone has seen the shit that’s in there… fuck. What the fuck? I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, calm down, okay? It’ll be okay. I know it’s… it sucks knowing someone is seeing everything in there but you can’t panic, that makes it worse. Hold on.” Renjun got up and left the bathroom. Donghyuck was devastated. What was he going to do? Someone went through his bag, found the journal, and realized what kind of content was in there, they decided to keep it. They either had some sick mental problems that made them want to steal it for no other good reason that to steal it, or all of the information was going to get leaked. This was his worst nightmare.

Renjun came back into the bathroom with the other bag that Donghyuck had left in the hallway. He sifted through it and pulled out the binder. “There might be a name on here somewhere… This is probably the person that has your journal.” He flipped through the pages to find a printout with a name, and shook his head in disbelief when he found nothing. He put the binder back and pulled out the booklet for a course labeled Basics in Forensic Pathology, and he opened the cover. He showed it to Donghyuck. “L.W.”

“That really doesn’t help.” Donghyuck grabbed the booklet. L.W. He doesn’t know anyone with those initials.

“It does, Donghyuck. If you don’t know this person, someone is bound to.” He put it back in the bag and faced him. “Everything will be okay.” Donghyuck sat for a moment, breathing in and out, trying to calm down before he passes out from a lack of oxygen with how much he was hyperventilating. He knew he was fucked, no matter how much Renjun tried to tell him he wasn’t.

There was a vibrating sound coming from Renjun’s pocket. He pulled him phone out. The screen read ‘Jaemin’.

“What do I say?” Renjun asked. Donghyuck racked his brain for something, but now was the worst time for his critical thinking skills to come in handy. Renjun made a gesture of ‘well?’ and Donghyuck frantically shook his head with his hand out, mouthing that he didn’t know. Renjun picked up.

“Hey, Jae, sorry for being so long, I just had to take Donghyuck home, he said he felt sick, but I’ll be back in like ten, just wait for me.” Donghyuck sighed. Renjun said a few more words before hanging up and helping Donghyuck stand. At this point, all of his emotions were hitting him so hard that he felt none of them. He was at a loss for a plan, or where to start, or how to handle any of this. Who has his journal, and what the hell were their intentions?

_Rule 2: If the secret gets out, it’s probably your fault._

This hadn’t left Donghyuck’s mind all night.

After Renjun took him back to his house, he just continued to freak out. He continued to cry and panic, because what else was he supposed to do in this situation? He couldn’t do anything. There was no one he could reach out to and put blame on for this. There was no one, that he could think of immediately, had the initials that matched with what they found. It drove him crazy. Someone was at blame, and he had no idea who it was.

He knew a couple of things. One, the person who took it was in his testing room. They had to be, otherwise, how would they have taken his bag thinking it was theirs? Donghyuck felt dumb not even thinking to see who put their bags near his, that would have helped him so much. Two, he knows the person left the testing room before Donghyuck, as Donghyuck didn’t notice there was a bag that was identical to hiss. If he had seen this, he would have been a lot more careful. And three, he had two letters to go off of.

Donghyuck urged himself to shut off his emotions and start thinking in a way that would help his situation as best as possible without any risks. He could work with two letters. He had no choice.

He pulled out his phone, deciding to avoid looking on most social medias, as chances are it would only accelerate his panicking once he sees just how many people might have access to his thoughts and secrets. He pulled up his Snapchat, and sent a quick message to Faye.

_Would you by any chance know someone who was in our testing room with the initials LW?_

It’s a lot more possible that she would know who it was, she was friends with more people than he was. He at least hoped she would. He didn’t have any yearbooks to check in, and he didn’t want to consult any of his friends on a thing like this. Despite Renjun knowing what the seriousness behind this was, he was sure he didn’t take it as crucially as Donghyuck has to. He didn’t have a choice.

He opened his phone as soon as he saw Faye was typing back.

_Hmm, let me check thru IG for you really quick. How come you ask?_

He started typing.

_There was someone in there with those initials that took my bag by accident and I had theirs, but when I went up to get it back,_ he hesitated, not knowing how to word it, _there was something missing. Sorry for the trouble!_

It was another couple of minutes of Donghyuck stressing out before she got back to him again.

_That sucks :/ And it’s not trouble, I just looked thru and the only one that I remember seeing in there with those initials is probably Lucas Wong? He was definitely in there but you wouldn’t find his initials as LW in the yearbook, it uses his real name. Hope this helps maybe! His insta is lucaswong_yh_

_That helps! Thank you!_

Donghyuck raced over to Instagram to type in the username that Faye had provided. They weren’t following each other. His stomach twisted up when he saw his photo spread. The second most recent photo had Mark in it, and it was only posted three weeks ago. He examined the photo, which was the two sitting on some concrete steps. The photo was not at all aesthetically pleasing, which Donghyuck could easily observe even in his times of panic, it was very dark and taken with the phone flash on, no editing whatsoever. Very typical of guys like him. The caption read ‘ROD’ which Donghyuck knew meant ‘ride or die’. This was not looking great for Donghyuck so far. If Lucas really is the one who has his journal, and he is apparently very close to Mark, he could easily tell him all of this information, and Donghyuck was sure he could never even show up to school again. How could he? Information between a group of friends like what Lucas and Mark have spreads like wildfire. Everyone would know.

And even though now that Donghyuck knows who has his journal, he couldn’t confront Lucas about it because there was a slim, slim, chance that Lucas didn’t know he had it, would then be confused by the confrontation, and it would only make Lucas wonder why he was so desperate to get it back. It would simply light a flame under Donghyuck’s feet, and he was sure Lucas would only fuel it. He couldn’t say anything. He had to pretend like he didn’t know.

But then, if he pretends as if he didn’t know, would it piss Lucas off? Would it only make him want to do something about it? Donghyuck knew for sure that Lucas took it, as it was the only thing missing from his bag. He intentionally went through there, realized it wasn’t his, and pulled out only one item? And that one items happened to be a notebook that contained such personal and sensitive information?

This just sent Donghyuck down another huge spiral, he realized Lucas had access to such personal, sensual and intimate thoughts that run through Donghyuck’s head all the time, there was no way he couldn’t not do anything with it. He was fucked. But was he willing to confront Lucas and be at bay with such a serious threat like blackmail? Donghyuck didn’t want to think about it. He was getting nauseous already.

The next day had gone by without any trouble, there was only one moment that had sent shivers down his spine, and made him wish that he could just vanish off the Earth and not have to deal with any of this.

He had been walking through the hallway, heading to one of his classes when he stopped by Jaemin’s locker after he saw him standing there. They talked about anything in passing, Jaemin asked if he was feeling alright from the previous day, to which Donghyuck said yes, he was, and thanked him for letting Renjun use the car to take him home. Donghyuck did his best to hold himself together, as one nights’ sleep didn’t do much to ease his nerves.

As he was talking to Jaemin, he had looked up past the other boy’s shoulder to look down the hall. About ten feet away, Mark caught his eye, and his stomach turned. He let himself marvel at him for just a moment, almost getting caught up in his head with the alternate realities he has created with this perfect specimen. He sighed gently and looked over, and he felt a chill all the way to his bones. Lucas had looked over and made eye contact with him, and just stared. Donghyuck had tried his best to not let any emotion show on his face, but it was coursing all through his body. Lucas simply stared, and their eye contact was only broken when Jaemin had stood back up from where he bent down to retrieve something from inside his locker.

Donghyuck had to go back to talking to Jaemin like he wasn’t practically just non-verbally threatened. That just told Donghyuck for sure that Lucas knew. How could he not know? Why would he have stared at him had he not read every single thing that was in that journal, front cover to back? Nothing could convince Donghyuck after that interaction that Lucas didn’t know.

He also knew there was no way that he could say anything, now since he knows Lucas has read everything. He could still be perfectly capable of releasing all of it. The confrontation could only piss him off more. Donghyuck was terrified.

The next few days, however, went by without an issue. Everything was quiet and Donghyuck had a nice, stressed out weekend. He had nowhere else to vent his heart out to, now since his only vice was missing and probably in a lot of danger. He didn’t think about the possibility of it being destroyed. He didn’t know if he wanted to start thinking about that on top of everything else.

It was a quiet Friday, followed by a quiet weekend. It was the calm before the storm, and Donghyuck was growing more scared by the day. Renjun had contacted him once to ask if everything was alright, and that he noticed he was being a little quiet in their group chat. Donghyuck had filled him in on the previous days, and he just replied that he was nervous, and he knew something was going to happen.

He was right.

It was 12:35 in the afternoon on the following Monday. Donghyuck was sitting in study hall, the only down time he gets during the day aside from lunch. He had his books open in front of him, but he was distracted by the soft music playing through his earbuds. He probably should study, as he has a test in biology approaching very rapidly and he was a bit shaky in this subject they were covering. Like usual, he pushed it aside and zoned out. A notification on his phone caught his eye.

A pop up from Instagram that read: ‘chhs_exposed_2020 started following you.’

Immediately, he guessed the worst, as it was all he could do for the last five days. He hesitantly opened it, already feeling woozy.

It was a private account with no profile photo and one picture, but Donghyuck couldn’t see it yet. The account had followed 234 people, and already had 168 followers, which was a significant number considering his graduation class was only 200 and something. The bio read: ‘crest hill high school student’s juiciest secrets exposed. Follow to find out more and guess the identity’

Donghyuck sat back, sick to his stomach. He knew this was about him. There was no longer a suspicion in the back of his mind that Lucas wasn’t behind this. Why the hell did he care so much? Why did he want to do this instead of just return the journal? Not even that, why did he take it in the first place? He could have just left it in there and minded his own business. Why did he have to play this dirty game? What did Donghyuck ever do to him?

He felt vomit coming. He forced it down just long enough to ask to use the bathroom and once he was out of the room and down the hall, he was gagging hard. Once in the bathroom, he held all of it back, not wanting to throw up, he forced himself to breathe and to calm down, but it was hard with how much he was shaking. He pulled out his phone again, looking at the profile.

There was only one thing worse here than the fact that his secrets were being put on blast—he noticed that Jaemin was following the account. He has no idea what that first picture on the account says, it could be anything, it could have said his name, it could have showed what any of the pages looked like, it could be anything.

Donghyuck was not going to follow back. He did not want to see how exactly Lucas was going to expose him. He was at his mercy. He knew the blackmail was coming, but he didn’t know how.

He couldn’t blame Jaemin for following it, he had no idea it was his and there was no way he would have known. Unless it said his name on the first picture, that Donghyuck wasn’t able to see. He was not going to follow it, not even for that. He could ask Jaemin to see it, but then Jaemin might want to talk about it, and he knew he wasn’t capable of pretending it wasn’t his while engaging in conversation about it.

Right now, he only blames himself. He knows he could have prevented this if he only paid more attention to his bag. He should have watched it more closely. He was mad at himself for letting this happen.

He managed to calm himself down long enough to steady his breathing, figuring that if, for right now, no one knows who it is that the account wants to expose, then he was fine. It could be anyone. If his name was on that page, surely Jaemin would have told him. He trusts him enough to know that he would have done that if he knew someone was trying to expose Donghyuck. That much calmed him down. If his name appeared on the page somehow, Jaemin would tell him. He doesn’t have to second guess that, he knows he would. He hopes he would.

He decided he had been away from the classroom for long enough and started to make his way back, but not before checking himself in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look abnormally pale. As he was turning the corner, he knocked into somebody, and he immediately recognized the voice.

“Shit, my bad, man.”

“Yeah, sorry, sorry.” Donghyuck meekly replied. It was Mark. He bumped into him, heard his voice and looked up to mutter an apology. If Mark found out it was him who wrote the journal, he would be disgusted. He would hate him. Donghyuck knows he would.

He was at least relieved by the fact that Mark seemed to be dismissing of the fact he bumped into him, if he had known something was up, maybe he would have said something. Or would he? Donghyuck wanted to believe that Mark was a decent enough person to not say anything face to face, but he wouldn’t know that. He has never spoken to him. Maybe Mark did know. He probably was decent enough of a person to not say anything to someone’s face. Donghyuck knows he himself would never, so maybe Mark was the same kind of person. He hoped he was, at least.

He raced back to the classroom and urged himself not to think about it anymore. He knew he was have a whole new episode if he did think about it.

Later that night, he couldn’t peel his eyes from the user’s profile. He couldn’t see what lied beneath, but he knew it was about him. He had such a strong inkling and it was so hard to ignore it.

The account now had 184 followers. It was slowly growing and Donghyuck knew soon there would be enough followers that someone was bound to recognize his hand writing. He knew sooner or later he was going to get a text that asked him if he knew anything about this account that was posting pictures of some notebook pages that talk about fantasies with a fellow student and they would ask why it looked like his handwriting. He knew it was coming.

He sighed. He put his phone down and stared up at his ceiling. He really wished he had his journal right now, he would be able to vent so much, write so many things that have been on his mind and ease his stress. But he can’t because someone decided they would take it.

Donghyuck had been reduced to sitting and staring, waiting for the next move. There was no way he could predict what the next move was, no way he could try and prevent it. He felt sick knowing this but at the same time it helped him keep it down, he knew he couldn’t do anything to influence the decision that was going to be made. He just had to see how it would play out. He had no choice but to be a stalemate here. He was useless.

Out of habit, while trying so hardly to not dong again, he picked up his phone and looked at the Instagram page. He clenched his jaw with a big sigh and felt his stomach flip again when he saw that the admin of this age had turned off the private setting. He hesitated, wanting to go back, turn off his phone, forget about this, but he knew he wasn’t going to do that. He clicked on the photo, on the small grid it looked to be a sheet of paper, but he knew his journal all too well to know it was the inside of the cover. Printed on the front page was his set of three rules he set for himself. He was internally cringing reading this again, only because he knew this time other people were seeing it, too. He scrolled down to read the caption.

_You’ll never believe what kind of stuff is in this book. To think a student is hiding these sick secrets… it gets more interesting guys. Trust. Follow for the exposing._

His heart dropped, the photo had 51 likes, was posted yesterday, meaning the account was already a thing before they even followed Donghyuck, and this only solidified to him that so many people saw it and were waiting to see what was inside. He read the comments, ignoring the voice in his mind telling him not to.

He scrolled through them quickly, oddly feeling better after seeing how many of them were telling the admin of the page that this was so wrong and they shouldn’t be telling people anyone’s private secrets. Some of them were the opposite, so eager to see what kind of shit was in there. He took a deep breath. It calmed him down to know that most of the people were against this, but to his dismay he realized that they were in the minority compared to the people who liked the photo, and even follow the account. Those were the people telling Lucas to expose him. They wanted to know his secrets. Donghyuck hoped to god that this would sway his mind, but, he came this far already, he doubted it would.

The next couple of days at school were filled with anxiety. Every time he passed Mark in the hallways, which was lucky more than he saw Lucas, he was always ridden with a million thoughts that he knew, that he thought Donghyuck was a freak, that he never wanted to talk to him. He had to lay low, he had to make sure he had no emotion on his face whenever he passed in fear of looking anxious, thus bringing questions that might not have been there before.

On Wednesday, he had heard that the account had posted another photo from no one other than Jaemin.

“Hey, has everyone here seen that exposing Instagram account that’s going around? They posted another picture the other day, something about some crush on a student and talking about them. It’s insane.” Donghyuck was in the car with him and Jeno when he brought this up. He was almost glad it was them two and not also Renjun, as he would have given him a glance, and that could have made everything look more suspicious.

“Yeah, I did. I want to know who they’re talking about, that’s all I care about, honestly don’t care who it is. Do you think they know? Whoever they are talking about, that is.” Jeno answered.

“What if the person who made the account is just exposing themselves? Like it’s just a claim to fame kind of thing. That would be crazy.” Jaemin started theorizing.

“Nah, dude. Have you seen the shit that it said? Why would someone expose themselves? That’s social suicide.”

“What fucking year is it, Jeno? 2012? What the hell is social suicide?” Donghyuck chuckled at that one, trying his best not to let any emotions show. Jaemin and Jeno are the last people he would want to know that he was the one being exposed. After they had already seen what one of the photos said? Knowing there was another photo in the first place was sending him into a spiral already, what could it possibly have said? Clearly not a page where Mark’s name was said if neither of them know who he was talking about. He was staring to shake.

Donghyuck leaned forward slightly. “Isn’t it kind of fucked up? I mean, if it is real, someone is being unwillingly exposed. That’s shitty of this person to do.”

They thought for a moment. “Yeah it is, I didn’t think of that. I just think the person who made it is exposing themselves. Only because that is fucked up to expose someone like that and it is just a claim to fame. Like, a clout moment.” Jaemin and Jeno start to go back and forth and Donghyuck goes back to zoning out into his thoughts. He knew he needs to do something to prevent the worst of the pages from being posted on the Instagram page. He felt shame knowing Lucas has probably read them all anyway, but he swallowed that thought by telling himself one person knowing is better than their whole senior class knowing.

_Rule 3: If rule 2 is broken, reap the consequences._

Later that night, he decided to attempt something risky. He was going to contact Lucas.

Donghyuck thought about all the ways he could do this, he could either text him, or he could send him a private message on Instagram. Both thoughts gave him a lot of anxiety, as Lucas could definitely try to deny he was the one running the account and then screenshot and post them onto the exposing account. Then everyone would know it was him. But he needed to suck it up and do this before too much got out. He had no choice.

He went over the pros and cons of each situation. Pros and cons of sending him a text, he knows Lucas himself would get it, and he could just cut to the chase. Cons of that were Lucas could easily release his number on the Instagram account, and everyone would text it trying to find out who it was. Pros and cons of an Instagram DM, well, these cons severely outweigh the pros as if Lucas wanted to expose him, well, his username was right there.

The more he thought about it, the less he wanted to do it. Ultimately, he decided on a text. He debated on whether or not he should pretend to be someone else, saying that they were exposing their friend, but he didn’t want to involve anyone else in this. Donghyuck needed to face this himself.

He opened up his messages and put in the number that he got from another friend. He could have just jumped right into the accusing, but he played it safe just to make sure he had the right person.

_Is this Lucas?_

Yes, it was a timid thing to say in a situation of this severity, but Donghyuck wasn’t always the type of guy to be so bold.

There was no answer right away, and Donghyuck’s heart was beating so fast with every minute that went by. He was almost dreading the response, hoping deep down that he wouldn’t get one. If he didn’t get one, well, he tried and it didn’t work, so what else could he have done then?

Donghyuck wanted to convince himself so bad that Lucas wasn’t going to answer, just so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. He wished so hard that the text would go unanswered. He wished manifesting it would work.

In the middle of hoping it wouldn’t be answered, it was answered. Donghyuck sighed and picked up his phone.

_Who is this?_

Donghyuck didn’t know where to go from here. That wasn’t a yes and it wasn’t a no. He decided to ask him again.

_Are you Lucas??_

He didn’t care if that came off as rude, he needed to know if it was him or not before he started confronting him about leaking his secrets if it was even him. And, so what if it was rude, if it wasn’t him he would apologize and if it was, well, he deserves it.

_Yes? Who is this_

Donghyuck felt relief and also worry when he got the text back that it was Lucas. He knew now that he could start asking him why he was doing such a thing to him when he didn’t deserve it, ask him to stop, and maybe even get him to stop. He knew that last one was a long shot, but he could hope.

He decided that the next text would be a screenshot of the account. He sent the photo and then right under it added, ‘ _Why are you doing this?_ ’

It was a significantly longer time before Lucas answered this text, and that made Donghyuck believe more that he did get the right person, and that Lucas was also trying to think of a way to fabricate his next response. Donghyuck realized now that the more and more he had to deal with this ongoing fiasco he was getting better at handling his nerves, but the more he thought about what could happen if all the pages were posted, he got sent into a spiral. He tried not to think of that. He only wanted to focus on the good things that could come out of bringing this to a halt.

His phone dinged. He clenched his jaw.

_Lmfao. I’m going to assume this is the lucky victim since no one else knows it’s me. You wrote it all, didn’t you? You should know what kind of things are in there. It’s sick._

Donghyuck felt tears prick his eyes, and he desperately tried to blink them away. How could he even have the audacity to say it’s sick? Donghyuck kept the journal as a personal outlet, not as a newspaper. He was the only one that was meant to see what was in that book. So, technically, Lucas was the sick one here. He decided to say just that.

_I’m sick? That book is personal. You are the sick one for releasing something so sensitive, not to mention from someone who didn’t even do anything to you. What is your issue?_

The response was almost instant. _Want me to stop?_

_Of course I do. Why else would I have texted you? Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you._

_I’ll stop if you leave Mark out of your little fantasies. Putting someone you know into shit like that is sick._ Donghyuck sighed. He didn’t get why it mattered so much, as this journal was never supposed to be public in the first place. He knows he could argue this point, but if Lucas’ logic is having Donghyuck stop using Mark in his private pages that no one is going to see, then so be it.

 _I don’t see why it matters so much. This is personal to me. You had no right to leak all of this, especially with no motive. No one is meant to see it. Just give it back to me._ Donghyuck didn’t think he could do anything else in this situation. He was almost begging Lucas to give him to journal back, he wanted to stop being tormented. He was worried that after this confrontation, Lucas would have even more of a want to reveal more of the pages, and maybe even his identity.

There was no reply to that text. That made him nervous, what was his next move going to be? Was he going to tell Mark that he is in the journal? Or was he just going to say ‘fuck it’ and actually give it back and stop? He thought that last option was unlikely, but he wanted to think that it was going to happen.

Donghyuck has been working on no checking the Instagram page as much, knowing it will only fuel his anxiety. He wanted to look, but he forced himself to not check. It was doing somewhat good things for his mentality at the moment, and although every time it crossed his mind he thought maybe he should just take a peek, he fought it, and he ignored the voice telling him to check.

Truth be told, Donghyuck was scared. He had no idea what was going to happen next. He tried what he could, he asked Lucas to stop and he hoped that he would. Lucas never answered his text, not even later that night or the next day. He never gave him a motive, which was what Donghyuck was so lost on. He couldn’t understand, for the life of him, why the hell Lucas would do something like this to him.

He did think it was odd how he wanted Donghyuck to stop talking about Mark in his personal journal. A journal that no one ever was meant to see. Why would it matter? He could talk about anyone he wanted, and the only person whose business it was, was Donghyuck’s.

It was still quiet over the next two days of school. He sat in his classes wondering what will happen, and when it will happen, or if anything will happen at all.

Donghyuck was walking through the hallways, trying to get to lunch, when Jaemin caught him suddenly, and pulled him into the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Donghyuck was caught so off guard, he didn’t even realize who it was at first.

Jaemin bent down to check underneath the stalls for anyone. When he realized there was no one, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed Donghyuck his Airpods. Donghyuck watched him with a raised eyebrow, but didn’t say anything and put the Airpods in. Jaemin had his phone in his hand and waiting for Donghyuck to get situated.

“I was in the art room earlier waiting for Jeno and as I was bend behind a cabinet to get some stuff from inside it, Mark, you know, Mark Lee, and this kid Lucas walked in.” Donghyuck was immediately scared of where this was going, but he didn’t interrupt. “I didn’t think anything of it because, like, whatever, but then Mark was like, why did you make that Instagram Lucas? And then Lucas was like, because he’s fucking weird, obviously, and Mark was like Donghyuck is a nice kid. Why would you do this? And Lucas was like, he’s said some weird shit in there, and then, that’s where I started filming so, just listen, please.” Jaemin seemed desperate for some reason. The recording started in the middle of a sentence.

“—no reason. So, what he says things about me? He doesn’t say them to my face, he has the decency for that. He’s talked to me normally a couple times, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“It’s fucking weird, Mark. Don’t you think? Just the fact that he wants to write it at all. Especially about you. Why wouldn’t I do this?”

“Because… it’s personal. It’s personal to him, no one has the right to read what’s in there.”

“You do! Mark, you’re in so much of it. You want to know what all of it says?” Donghyuck winced. It was coming, he knew it. “He said he wanted you to choke him and hurt him, and that he’s into all of that. He wanted you to worship his body and cause pain, and he wanted you to—” Donghyuck couldn’t listen anymore. He grimaced and shook his head, taking out the Airpods.

“I don’t know… It’s not…” He couldn’t say anything. He kept shaking his head, knowing this time his will wasn’t strong enough to keep the bile down. He felt it rising.

“Donghyuck, if it is, I don’t care. You were right, in the car, it’s shitty that he’s doing this, you’re right. It’s fucked up.” Donghyuck gagged. “Oh, god, don’t be sick. Donghyuck, seriously,” Donghyuck bit his tongue hard. He raised his head slightly to let Jaemin know he was listening. “You could have told us, you know, in the car? We wouldn’t have judged you, we know how you are with your personal stuff, we don’t care. We didn’t know, it’s fucked up. Donghyuck.” He felt tears prick his eyes. “Donghyuck is the journal yours?”

Donghyuck couldn’t help the breathy sob he let out in that moment. As he opened his mouth to gasp in some more air, he dashed for the nearest toilet to spill his guts. He heard Jaemin cuss quietly behind him and he felt a single hand on his shoulder. He was so busy coughing and choking into the toilet bowl that he didn’t hear anyone walk in, all he heard was Jaemin telling people, ‘Yeah, he’s fine, don’t worry about it, just go to the other bathroom, please’.

When Donghyuck’s episode was over, he sat back against the stall, mouth tasting stale and arms shaking, not able to support his weight. Jaemin stayed standing next to him, and Donghyuck didn’t look up.

“Yes,” He whispered. “It’s mine.” He heard Jaemin sigh again.

“You could have told us.” Jaemin sounded sympathetic. “We could have helped you. It doesn’t matter how personal it is, I would never ask to see the shit in it because there’s lines you don’t cross as a friend, that’s one of them. If you had told us, we could have helped, it wouldn’t have gotten this far.” Donghyuck didn’t say anything. “But I understand why you didn’t. It’s… that’s your business. Being outed to everyone, it’s fucked.”

“So, Mark fucking knows? This is… fucking horrifying. The reason I have that book is so no one sees it ever. He is the last person I want knowing anything.”

“I know. But listen,” Donghyuck looked up, eyes still watery. “I won’t make you listen to the rest. But just know that Mark is on your side. He thinks it’s fucked up.”

That night, lying in bed was grueling for Donghyuck. His mind wouldn’t stop going. All he could think about was how Mark knows what’s in the journal. That was at the front of his mind. Mark fucking knows, now there is absolutely no chance in hell he would ever talk to him, or even want to be friends with him. He might have told Lucas it as weird, but he knew there was no way he wouldn’t think this was weird. He was devastated.

He knows what was in the journal, he didn’t need to hear Lucas say it on a recording. Donghyuck knows what the fuck is in there, he wrote about how he yearns for a relationship with Mark, romantic, platonic, sexual, fuck it, telepathic, why not? The way he talked about Mark, in there, it was like he had known him for years and he was recapping on all their memories and how they got along together. It’s mortifying to know that Mark knows.

Jaemin said Mark was on his side. Whatever that means, the only thing Donghyuck was concerned about were his ruined chances of having anything with Mark. Truth be told, if there was ever a chance they could even be friends, Donghyuck wouldn’t be mad. Yes, he has a crush on him and the point of a crush is to date that person, but Mark was just that type of guy. Everyone wanted to be his friend. Donghyuck just wished Mark had it in him to look past this.

Donghyuck’s eyes were heavy, and while, for some reason, he wanted to fight sleep, he let them fall. He was rudely awakened by his phone going off, and seeing an unknown number. His stomach dropped, thinking it was Lucas, ready to reveal some more of his secrets to the whole school. He opened it, and his stomach dropped even further.

_Hey Donghyuck, it’s Mark. Sorry it’s so late but, are you able to meet up somewhere right now? I wanna talk to you._

Donghyuck gulped, he had no idea if this was good or bad. He almost wanted to decline, afraid it was a setup and he was going to get jumped by Lucas, but Jaemin’s voice was in the back of his head once again telling him that Mark was on his side. He took a deep breath in and replied to him, telling him that he could be wherever in a few minutes. He left as quietly as possible, heart in his throat the whole time. He pulled into the parking lot at the DQ near their high school and waited. He was nervous.

He didn’t look at his phone at all, he kept watch on the area around him incase Lucas did actually set this up and was going to sneak attack at any second. He saw a black Jeep pull into the parking lot, and he watched intently. He realized, as it got closer, that it was in fact Mark in the driver’s seat. His heart skipped a beat. Mark parked right next to Donghyuck and gave him a smile. He motioned him to come sit in his car. Donghyuck swallowed harshly as he turned his car off and got out, still looking around for anyone following. He got in and shut the door behind him. His body was stiff.

“Hey.” Mark said. Donghyuck didn’t meet his eyes, but he could hear in his voice that he wasn’t angry, or upset, or even disgusted.

“Hi.” Donghyuck replied.

Mark sighed gently. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here, because you know already, but, I do want you to know some things about this recent… development, in events.” Mark’s voice was silky yet raspy at the same time. He was talking softly as to not come off as harboring any negative emotion towards Donghyuck, but rather soothing. Trying not to make him freak out. “But first,” Mark opened the console and pulled out a notebook. Donghyuck’s journal. He took it from him, looking at it, holding it in his hands, feeling relief course through his body knowing this sacred item was returned to its proper owner. Mark continued. “I do think what Lucas did was really messed up. I want to apologize on his behalf but I know it won’t even begin to account for the damage that’s been done and already what you have probably gone through. I… feel like saying I am sorry for him isn’t enough. No, I know it’s not enough.

“He… did tell me some things about what was in there.” Donghyuck held his breath. Mark could see the shame evident on Donghyuck’s face. “If it’s true or if it’s fake, it’s none of my business, so I don’t believe what he told me. I didn’t read it, I didn’t read anything in there, or look at the Instagram page, or his pictures of it. I don’t know what is in there. That’s your business, you know?”

Donghyuck feebly nodded. With every word he was saying, he felt weight come off of his shoulder. He has had days of grief weigh down his body, and he felt a lot better knowing what Mark was telling him. It was making his hope come back, hope for anything. Hope for Mark.

“So, you know, I wanted you to have it back, you need it back. It doesn’t belong to Lucas. And I just wanted to let you know my stance on it.”

Donghyuck bit his lip, debating on saying something. He saw Mark turn his way, knowing he had something to say. He decided to go for it.

“I just… I want to know why. He took my bag by accident and only took this.” He held up the journal for a brief moment. “I never even talked to him, I didn’t even know who he was. I had to ask my friend when I realized it was gone.”

Mark sighed. “To answer that… I have to confess something. And I trust telling you this, because you trust yourself with your own secrets enough to write them down and know that no one will see them.” Donghyuck finally looked up to meet Mark’s eyes. It was horrible timing, but he couldn’t help but to realize how handsome Mark looked in this lighting. The streetlight casting shadows on all the angles of his face, beanie on with stray black hair peeking out of the sides. Donghyuck let himself marvel for a few seconds, before listening to the boy’s words. “Lucas and I were together. Dating.” Donghyuck didn’t let it show on his face, but he was shocked. Utterly shocked. He never even pondered that as a possibility. Both of them were the ideal straight, it never occurred to him. But, maybe that was the point. “And I really made a mistake when I agreed to date him, you know, it was fun for a while, but he’s… I don’t know. He is so overprotective, but not in the right ways. It looks so bad, too, you know? We are just friends to everyone else. Why would you want to come off as a friend who won’t let anyone talk to you?

“We were only together four months. But it went downhill so fast. I told him that this was the last straw, I don’t know, I hate calling him crazy, but he just acted crazy. So, to answer you, I guess it was jealousy. Severe jealousy. I don’t know why he decided to go to such lengths. I’m sorry he did.”

Donghyuck was quiet for a minute. “What if he continues? To post this I mean, what if he still has pictures?”

Mark shook his head. “I made sure he didn’t. I told him to delete the account, and all of his pictures of it, like, really delete them, and anywhere else they might be. And I told him to not to talk to me again. Or you.”

Donghyuck nodded. He looked over at Mark for a second, then back down when the other boy met his eyes.

“Does everyone know? That it was mine?” Donghyuck’s voice was gentle. Mark shook his head. Silence hung for another second.

“You know,” Mark said softly. “A journal isn’t a bad idea. It’s pretty creative. It’s like telling your secrets to a friend to get the weight off your chest but now having to worry about that friend telling someone else.” He smiled at him, and Donghyuck smiled back. “Can I ask you something?” Donghyuck looked over, nervous again. “I don’t want you to tell me about what’s in there, I don’t care about that, but do you really like me? Like, not as just someone nice to be around. Or even a friend.”

Donghyuck forced himself to not look down at his lap. He was glad that it was dark, because he could feel his face heating up. He didn’t know how to answer.

“Like you? Like… what do you mean?”

Mark’s expression didn’t change. “You know what I mean.” This was true. Donghyuck did know what he meant. He took a deep breath in.

“Yes… I do.”

He felt like a little kid confessing on the playground. He had never had to do this before, so it was an awkward first time, but it seemed like Donghyuck was the only one feeling that way.

“I wish you would’ve talked to me sooner, Donghyuck. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten with Lucas at all if you had.” Donghyuck felt his stomach twist, but not in a bad way, in fact, in all the right ways. Mark gave him a sly grin, and Donghyuck couldn’t help but mimic the expression. He had to be dreaming, there was no way that this was happening. Reality slapped him in the face as a burst of cold air when he got out of Mark’s car (That smelled like cherry car freshener, and the seats were oddly spotless, he had noticed), and had been instructed by the boy let him know when he is free during the upcoming weekend.

He sat in his car, dazed. He looked down at his journal. This thing put him through hell and back, he really thought he wasn’t going to make it out of this senior class scandal alive. He got the confirmation from Mark that no one knows it’s him, which gave him so much relief, he really never thought he would be this relieved again.

The thing he was shocked about most, however, was the conversation they just had. Not only did Mark not care about anything that he wrote in the journal, but he still wanted to be his friend. That was all Donghyuck cared about. Not Lucas, not the Instagram account, not his friends knowing, and not being blackmailed. Mark still was curious about Donghyuck as a person, and not just whatever Lucas told him. How in the world did things work out so well for him?

Once he was home, he (quietly) raced up to his room and opened the front cover of the journal. He crossed out all three rules, and replaced them with a big, ‘ _You know how to keep a secret. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault_ ’.

Donghyuck changed the unknown number in his phone to ‘Mark’, and for the first time in nearly two weeks, he fell asleep with a lot on his mind, but in a good way.

**Author's Note:**

> ahh, refreshing ending.  
> if you enjoyed this please comment down below and let me know, the comments keep me going! i love reading the feedback from you guys.  
> !! Important Question !!  
> i know you guys read fics for the pairing, because that's what fics are for, but if I wrote a fic that was kindaa more plot based and the pairing was kind of on the side, would you read it? I find myself wanting to make more plot based fics rather than pair based fics, kinda like this one, but a little less of the pair. let me know, cause i love writing those kinds of stories!  
> anywayss feel free to let me know what you think about this work! I don't have any active kpop social media anymore, but feel free to find me on twitter, where occasionally i do mention nct and other groups i love @/glsstblgrls  
> love you guys, thanks for reading!! :)


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